Legend of Tetra: Wind Breaker
by Shadow Commando
Summary: Link must save his sister with the help of a talking boat and a wand that breaks the wind. He must also find out if this is all real, or if he's just high.
1. Dontshootbirdswhiledrinkingjuiceindahood

**I decided to make fun of the game that everyone likes to make fun of. Let's see if I can do better. :D**

**Chapter 1: Don't shoot birds while drinking juice in the hood.**

Aryll stood on the front porch of her beachfront house scanning the horizon for her older brother Link. Today was his birthday and it would get very ugly if he didn't immediately show up to put on his special costume.

"HOY!" shouted Aryll. Hoy was Hylian for "Hey-Big-Brother-Gramma-wants-you-to-come-inside-so-get-your-lazy-butt-out-of-bed-or-you'll-be-the-special-soup-she-makes-tonight."

But after receiving no reply, Aryll decided that Link would either be in the watch tower where she had left him the previous night, or up in the woods. She prayed it was the former as she jogged across the dock and began to climb the ladder. At first, she saw no one there, until she recognized the crawfish design on Link's blue shirt which made him blend in with the oceanic background.

"There you are!" shouted Aryll, as if no one knew that by now.

Link, awoken by the shouting, immediately jumped into a fighting stance. He had been dreaming about some ominous voice telling him the story of some guy called the hero of time who saved everyone and then ditched them for no reason and then saw the big bad pig about to blow his house in, but then it said "THERE YOU ARE!" and that was when he woke up.

Link jumped awake before Judo chopping his sister off the watch tower.

"Oh...my bad." said Link.

"JUST FOR THAT, I'M GOING TO RUN AWAY AND MAKE YOU CHASE AFTER ME, ONLY TO GET PWN3D BY A BIG BIRD WHEN YOU FIND ME IN A BIG FORTRESS!" screamed Aryll.

"Yeah right." replied Link as he climbed down the ladder and began walking toward the forest upstairs.

"Hey Link, your gramma wants to see you." said Mesa while pretending to cut his grass.

"Okay, thanks for telling me." said Link, running off to his house.

"I HATE YOU!" shrieked Aryll.

Link was 10 feet away from his house when his path was blocked by source less text.

"Hey Link. Up here!" it read.

"WTF?" said Link in cornfusion.

"I'M UP HERE, YOU DUNCE!- I mean...ho ho ho." said Sturgeon.

"OMIGAWD, IT'S SANTA!" screeched Link, seeing the toothpick with a beard standing on a balcony that only he could get to.

"Err...yeah, what would you like for christmas, little sex toy- I mean boy?" asked the old man.

"I've always wanted a sword." said Link gleefully.

"BWA HA HA HA!" Laughed Sturgeon, his rotten teeth exposed. "Like that's ever going to happen. I seriously doubt you'll ever need one."

"Whatever." said Link as he ran toward his house and went inside.

"Link, this is the day you become a man." said Link's Gramma.

"But I'm only 7." replied Link.

"Well that's the age that the hero was when he saved Hyrule. Therefore, that's the age of adulthood on this island." said Gramma.

"Pre-teen fathers. No wonder this world is screwed up." shuddered Link. "And wasn't the hero _17 _when he saved the world?"

"Just put the damn tunic on." said Gramma.

"Uhh...what tunic?" asked Link, seeing nothing there.

"The one I'm holding in me arms." said Gramma with a weird look in her eyes.

"Err...okay." said Link, putting on a costume that wasn't there.

"You got the invisible tunic. Congratulations, loser. :(" read that same ominous text. :O

_DUH DUH DUUUUM_

After that, Link crashed through the door, splintering it into a million microscopic pieces before racing back to the watch tower where his sister was waiting.

"Big Brother, close your eyes, I'm going to give you my most treasured possession." she said.

"EW. I don't wanna _know_ what that is!" shouted Link, covering his eyes.

"It's my telescope, idiot." said Aryll angrily.

"Cool, gimme that." said Link grabbing the telescope and looking at the postman who appeared out of nowhere.

"Link, up there, in the sky!" shouted Aryll.

Link pointed the telescope upward to see a huge ass bird flying over the island.

"Crap, it's those damn Sea Hawks again. If only this thing was a scope instead of a telescope...a scope with a big rocket launcher that shot out homing missiles. That would be AWESOME!" said Link.

He spoke too soon as a puff of smoke hissed out of the back of the telescope and a smoking projectile shot out of the front and followed the bird until it hit square in the face, causing it to drop the under age girl it was holding.

"AWESOME!" said Link.

"No, it's terrible, we have to help her." squealed Aryll. "Go get something to defend yourself with...and don't ask how I know you'll need it later."

Link pondered that. "Yeah, but where would I get a sword?"

Zill and Joel looked at each other before announcing the answer in unison: ORCA!

"Why not just pull a conveniently placed one out of a stone in the forest or something? Why do I need to see a creepy old guy in his underwear to do it?" asked Link.

Unfortunately, Zill heard him and began to dance toward him singing.

"BecauseBecauseBecauseBecause, Because of the wonderful things he does! You're off to see the Wizard! The wonderful wizard of AAAAAHHHHH!" He was interrupted by Link punting him into the atmosphere.

Mesa, Abe, Joel, and Aryll gasped and looked up into the sky, where Zill disappeared screaming. They all looked at Link in horror.

"He'll be back eventually." reasoned Link. He then ran up to Orca's house and cautiously made his way in...

**You'd better review or I'm not updating. DX**


	2. Pirates of the Caribbean

**Hokay, now that I know I have your attention, I shall update. :D**

**Chapter 2: Pirates of the Caribbean.**

Link slowly opened the door and cautiously made his way inside, looking around for any possible threat (namely an old pedophile in his boxers DX), but saw nothing.

It wasn't until he looked back at the door that he saw Orca, asleep in the corner, next to the door. Link held his breath as he reached for one of the swords stuck in the big wooden fish leaning against the wall opposite the door. He gave the sword a slight tug but it wouldn't budge, so he tried another sword, but that also wouldn't come out, so he went onto the next one. This one moved slightly, so Link tugged a bit harder, careful to not make any sound as he slowly pulled it out of the wooden fish. It came out and Link gave a sigh of relief and began making his way to the door. But then a random pot fell on the floor.

"BE QUIET, YOU HOOLIGAN!" screamed Sturgeon, one floor up.

Orca jumped awake, about to judo chop Link who dodged him.

Orca raised his shtick above his head and gave his war cry: BACK IN MAH DAY, THEY USED TO CALL ME KENNY ROGERS!" and charged at Link, who jumped over Orca/Kenny and did a helm splitter before landing gracefully behind him.

Orca's body collapsed to the ground and his head splashed open, letting his golf ball of a brain roll across the room.

"Stupid Pedo." growled Link as he sheathed his tiny sword and ran out the door.

He ran up the pathway that lead to the big bridge, but before he could cross it, the headless horse man charged him. Link ran for his life and jumped over the part of the bridge that was missing and stood there laughing at the headless rider, but then he threw a pumpkin at Link who dodged it matrix style and then continued on his quest to go rescue the clearly under age girl.

(Monty Python Holy Grail music)

(CLOP-CLOP-CLOP, CLOP-CLOP-CLOP, CLOP-CLOP-CLOP)

Link entered the tiny clearing politely referred to as a forest. He threw his two coconut halves away and looked up at the blond who was 'hangin around.'

"Dang, she's hot." said Link stupidly.

"She's only 10, you pervert." said the author.

"Oh. Did I say hot? I meant 'Not.'" replied Link as he ran up to the spot she was hanging over.

But then two pig/wolf hybrids fell out of the sky and attacked Link.

"Oh look, a bar of soap." said Link pointing in a random direction.

"SOAP?!? WHERE?!?" shrieked the hybrid monsters who then ran away screaming.

"That was easy." said Link.

But then Tetra woke up and began having a fit.

"This tree branch is too scratchy. Why is this forest so dirty? I wanna go shopping. I need to change soon…Link why are you putting a gun in your mouth?" she asked.

Just then, a cry came from the forest entrance.

"OOOOOLAAOOOOOH!" shouted Gonzo in his native tongue.

"I can't understand what he's saying." complained Link.

"He's calling for me and asking if I'm okay…I'm one of the few people who understand him." sighed Tetra.

As they left the forest, Aryll decided to be annoying and ran toward Link for no reason. Then the sky grew dark as the huge bird from before blotted out the sun as it zoomed down at the bridge and snatched Aryll before flying away.

"YES- I mean- NOOOO!" shouted Link.

(Later)

Link and Tetra stood there on the beach, staring at each other for what seemed like hours before Tetra finally broke the silence.

"Huh, you want to come with us?" squeaked Tetra, her high voice threatening to shatter every window on the island.

"What? I didn't say anything." said Link.

"Listen, we're pirates, the terror of the seas. We'd get nothing but a headache if we brought a kid my age along, so I'm sorry that bird took your sister, but it ain't our fault and there's nothing we can do about it." protested Tetra.

"Oh? And how do you figure that?" asked Quill, an eyebrow raised.

"AYALULLALUH?" snapped Gonzo.

"Err…what did he say?" asked Quill in confusion.

"It's his native tongue. He's asking why you are butting in on our conversation." replied Tetra.

"Well, because, Miss Fearsome Pirate- and moronic sidekick- if you hadn't come here, that bird wouldn't have mistaken Link's sister for you and taken her away." replied Quill.

"That's not…hrmm…ya know, he does have a point. Pondered Tetra. "Okay, pipsqueak, pack your stuff and let's go."

Link ran back to the house and went inside to get the shield, only to discover his gramma had it.

"Gramma, could I see the shield?" asked Link.

"Oh, I thought this was my scrub brush." laughed Granny, handing it to Link. "No wonder that damn stain wouldn't come off."

"Gramma, that's not a stain on your arm, that's a bruise. A bruise that you got from rubbing this shield against it." sighed Link, running out the door.

"Oh my." gasped Granny. "I'd guess I'd better go get a real brush from the store. Now where are the keys to my car? And where is my car? And do I have keys to it?

…

Link jogged back to the ship, sword and shield in hand while Tetra examined his equipment.

"Let's see, rusty knife that you call a sword, an old shield likely to break into splinters, and a red camera for taking pictures. You are, without a doubt, the worst hero I have ever heard of." scolded Tetra, eyes squinted.

"But you have heard of me." replied Link.

"Just shut up and get on deck. Niko is waiting for you." smirked Tetra.

"Who is Niko?" asked Link.

"You'll see." laughed Tetra evilly.

The other pirates started laughing as well.

Link slowly made his way down the dark flight of stairs over to a tall, not-so-bright looking pirate standing in a doorway. Link kept his hand on his sword, waiting for something to happen.

"UUUHHHHMM…" bellowed the pirate (okay, not very bright-sounding, either).

Link unsheathed his sword and got into a fighting stance.

"…You can't go in here, this is Tetra's room." continued the Pirate.

Link breathed a sigh of relief as he stuck the sword back in it's sheath and continued down to a room that had to be 275 x 275.

"Hello?" asked Link, his voice echoing through the room.

Just then, a figure moved in the corner of his vision. Link turned to his right to see something that would haunt him for the rest of his days…

**What will happen? What did Link see? Will he rescue his sister? Will he get off the ship? Will Granny ever find her car keys? Will I stop asking all these stupid questions since I'm the one with all the answers? Review and find out. :D**


	3. Forsaken Barbie Doll Mansion

**Sorry it took me soooo long to update. I was going to update over the weekend, but the damn internet got disconnected because of the phone bill. But here it is, at last. **

**Chapter 3: Forsaken Barbie Doll Mansion**

"UUUUUHHHHMMMM!" said Niko, obviously no brighter than the last guy. "Is you the new guy?"

Link only nodded awkwardly.

"ALR1GHT!!!1one No more dirty pirate underwear, itching powder in my pants, or firecrackers in my food." cheered Niko, doing a happy dance.

"So what am I supposed to do now?" asked Link.

"Well, you're my bitch, now, which means you have to do all the things that the new homies do on the ship. Mow the lawn, take out the trash, and clean the toilets. You may not survive." replied Niko.

"Okay…where do I start?" asked Link, mustering up ever last bit of courage.

"For starters…just jump dat wooden plank." said Niko.

"Sounds easy." said Link

He jumped toward the first board but then fell off.

"Falling off no go well with the timer majiggie. Ya dig?" asked Niko.

"It wasn't my fault, I jumped onto it, but I wouldn't grab it for some odd reason." snapped Link.

"Try pressing A, foo." suggested Niko.

Link ran forward, tapped A, and grabbed on to the platform and pulled himself up.

"Tell ya what, homie, I is gonna make a deal wit ya." said Niko. "If you can get yo ass over here before Tetra pages you, I'll give you this super awesome ray gun that deletes all enemies in one shot. But if you don't haul it before then, you'll only get this purple, girly purse."

"Okay." agreed Link.

"LIIIIINK! We're here." called Tetra.

"Better luck next time." laughed Niko, tossing the purple bag at Link.

Ominous Text (OT): You got the girly purse. You feel pretty.

_DUH DUH DUUUHHHM!_

"No I don't!" Protested Link, and ran upstairs.

"Hey, Hero, nice purse." taunted Pirate 1.

"What will you collect? Lipstick? Mascara?…Lipo points?" laughed Pirate 2.

"You need a lipo, not me." snapped Link as he climbed the crow's nest.

"So…been stealing lipstick?" interrogated Tetra.

"What?" asked Link hiding the purse.

Tetra held up a mirror, showing Link's face, which had lip stick on it.

"NIKOOOOOO!" screamed Link.

"We'll get him later. Here's where they're holding your sister." said Tetra.

Link looked to the right of the ship and saw a big island with sunshine, a rainbow, flowers, and little animals running around on it.

"Wow, I thought it was going to be darker, scarier, and harder to get by." said Link, confused.

"Other way." ordered Tetra.

Link turned around to see a big, dark fortress with search lights and a giant bird sitting on top.

"That's more like it." said Link, only to look down to see himself inside a wooden barrel mounted on a huge ass catapult.

"WTF?" shouted Link.

"Been wanting to try this thing out for a long time. I was hoping to test it on Niko, but I guess you'll do." said Tetra.

"I'll get you." screeched Link.

The cord was pulled and Link went flying like a birdy toward the fortress.

Gonzo waved goodbye.

**Yeah, I know it was kinda short, but please update anyway so I'll continue.**


End file.
